the hurt

I finally found my words and my way back to this blog.  So many times "life" gets in the way of me posting.

This time it was loss.

Writing this post would just make it a little more final...an acknowledgement of the truth that I have yet to accept.

One month and two days ago, I lost my best friend to cancer.  A battle that lasted one week.  One week from beginning to end.  From discovery to goodbye.  I have gone over the whole thing a thousand times in my head.  Is this real?  Did that really happen?  What now?  I have listened to voice mails on my phone just to hear her voice.  I have dreamed of her.  I found a spoon in my silverware drawer that she left at my house.

I always knew she would die before me...my mind is morbid like that.   I would be a ripe 75...she, a frail 92.  Never 34 and 51.  My mind doesn't work like that.  With a seventeen year age difference, I expected to live on this earth without her.    I could never have expected this.  It is simply unimaginable.

I gave the eulogy at her funeral.  It was the hardest thing that I have ever done. In. my. life.  And when I say that, I mean it was hard to get the words out of my mouth.  I was full of the words.  When someone has such an impact on your life, it's not hard to recall the stories, the memories.  It's just hard to find your voice when hundreds of people who love your friend are staring at you bleary-eyed and expecting you to sum up how they feel about her too.  It is my greatest hope that I was able to do that.

I know this sounds cliche, but I really feel like a part of me has died.  That I have this Cindy-sized hole in me that can never be filled.  The hurt is deep and wide.  It takes my breath sometimes without notice.  And still the question remains.  


I believe with my whole heart that I serve a merciful God.  That He has plans for me and will not abandon me....That one day He will answer my question so completely, so fully, that I will wonder why I even asked it in the first place.  But until then, I have to find a way to sit right here in the "why".

God often gets my attention through music...in worship and when I am alone.  In Christian music and non-Christian.  A few days ago I heard this song for the first time and I literally could have written it.  It speaks the words that I could not find.  It is helping me heal.  It is a brand new song by MercyMe.  What are the chances that this song, this single no less, was released days after my friend died?  No chances.  All God.

I hope you will listen to it and that it will help you too.  Even if you didn't know my friend, we have all loved and lost...we've all asked why.


  1. Oh, Misty. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. One week is not near long enough to let a lifelong friend slip away. I will be thinking about you and her family.

  2. So glad you're back...Cindy would be too.
    Heard that song just recently too and loved it.

    Hang in there.

  3. I think you made a typo when you said a "Cindy-sized whole" - but I couldn't help but think WHOLE is the better word. She did and continues to make us more whole - we are better people than we would have been or will be without her. But, yes, it hurts - God, it hurts.

  4. Misty words cannot describe how well of a job you did describing the wonderful person Cindy was...you took us on such a wonderful, joyful, heartfelt journey through her life. You have been in my thoughts so often. I love you...

  5. Misty - I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for opening up your heart and letting us see a glimpse of God's glory. A friend of mine just lost her best friend and I have passed along your Blog entry and the song as I know they will minister to her. I am thankful that God blessed you with such a friend!