I have been writing this in my head for the better part of a year. I have kept my words hidden {even from myself at times} for fear of making someone sad or upset, but this heaviness, this heart-weight just has to be surrendered.

Before she left, I did not know the space in my world that she filled.  Before she left, I was me...now I am someone else.

My battle is not to focus on the end, but these images consume me with eyes open or closed.

The call- the frantic shuffle to talk to my own mother.  Talking to Jacob in the waiting room full, but it was just us.  Anna giving her Coke from a straw in a can- her tongue thick in her mouth as she tried to talk around the meds.  She looked so small.

And her last to me, "How are my boys?" It was Monday.

Waiting- for doors to open, for breath to catch, to stop hoping and start healing.

The rise and fall of her chest in cadence.  Watching numbers on a screen, we are transfixed, they change and we notice. Wednesday.

I take my turn holding her hand- same as always just like Bon's.  Her little ones draped over her bed.  waiting

They said hours, not days- it was days.

And when it finally happened...when ushered out of this life and into the next...quiet.  still.  peace. It was Saturday.

I find I am still waiting.  For a call, a happy accidental meeting at Target that never happens.  I am distracted and sad and it makes me smile through tears.

My thoughts are fixed on heaven.  The glory that she must be seeing- the embrace that is holding her so tightly- the way the morning must look like from there.  And a question.

Is she missing me like I am missing her?  Because if she is- it's not always happy in heaven.

An Answer comes- just one line in a book that settles my question- at least momentarily.

In His embrace time loses all sense of speed and stress and space and stands still and holy.  

So there it is.  My answer.
He has her full attention and because of that she hasn't even noticed that I'm not there.

I am settling into the new me.  Less heavy, more healed...and praying for peace.


Picture Post

Well.  Here is a snapshot of what we've been doing the last few months.  If you make it to the end of this post,we'll talk then.... 

Christmas Tree Hunting {Weekend before Thanksgiving}


{JLC Holiday Market}

{Nutcracker Date}

{Christmas Program at church}


Wow!  You made it!  As you can see we've been busy {just like you} and loving every minute of our time spent together with family.  I haven't even downloaded the pictures from my other camera of our other Christmas celebrations and our ski trip...maybe later.  Toodles!